Fearlessness
When I'm the one holding me back
On rare occasions I will make an impulsive, out of character decision. I will sign up to work at a summer camp even though I’ve never been. I will decide to ride my bike 188 miles in 2 days even though I almost failed the Presidential fitness test. I will go sky diving even though I’m very afraid of roller coasters and all other adrenaline inducing activities. I will hop on a plane to Alaska (note: tiny planes are also a fear) to hang out with a guy even though I’m afraid to call him my boyfriend.
The rest of the time though I’m a lot more cautious. Since having kids I always encourage them to explore, climb the tree or jump on a skateboard but as soon as I do my heart is in my throat. My eyes are glued to their tiny bodies as they climb branches and test out their balance. I have always assumed eventually I would adapt but as they get bigger, so do the risks they want to test out.
Last weekend we went to Austin to visit family and visited Butler Park twice for their very impressive children’s area. Slides, tunnels, splash pad, sand pit, and most notably, a very tall rope net tower. Googling did not help me find an exact height but upwards of 30 feet feels like a safe estimate. Seeing the boys take off running to climb it was an immediate heart-in-throat moment. Instead of keeping my eyes on them at all times I found myself having to ignore their existence, otherwise I would be consumed by my fear.
It wasn’t until my 5 year old asked me to climb with him though that I realized the impact my nerves were having on me. I tried to navigate the ropes but couldn’t manage my fear for him and find my way around a course built for children at the same time. I pretended that the course was too small for me (which no one believes when the tower is 30 feet tall) unable to instead explain why I felt so off balance. The combination of being afraid for the children and myself at the same time… I’m in awe of those who have come through the other side of real dangers with their families.
With children who are 5 and 7 their world will just get bigger. We will soon be in the world of bikes without training wheels, sleepovers, roller coasters, surfing - the list will grow. I want them to decide for themselves what they’re brave enough for and what feels right and encourage them to give it all a try, but that may be a tougher hill to climb that I was expecting.
I’m not sure I could be convinced to ride a roller coaster with the kids right now, but I’m working on my own bravery a little at a time. Last month I ran a half marathon, having never believed myself capable, and this year I hope to become more confident in the water. One thing at a time.
In the meantime I’m…
Reading: This year’s reading streak is still going strong - Acts of Service by Lillian Fishman (interesting, sexy but also frustrating), And Yet by Kate Baer (a delight), DEI deconstructed by Lily Zheng (such a practical approach if you work in DEI), River Sing Me Home by Eleanor Shearer (beautiful but not especially gripping), Neon Gods by Katee Robert (100% smut - just being honest), The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah (I have much to learn about the dust bowl!)
If you can only pick one, I’d suggest And Yet - don’t hesitate just because it’s poetry!
Listening: The Jon Batiste obsession is still going strong (newest fave is Drink Water) but in honor of the recent International Women’s Day, I’ve also got I Am Woman on repeat. This version of the video brings me joy.
Parenting: We’ve enter a phase where the kids seem to physically battle nonstop. I find this incredibly difficult to deal with and spent a lot of our recent trip to Austin frustrated with the kids. On the flip side, the boys were also equally gentle with their 2 year old cousin as he tried to join in wrestling or tried to navigate the big kids playground which was beyond delightful.
