Tyler and I have spent much of our relationship in the kitchen cooking meals together. We like trying new ingredients, experimenting with recipes and cooking elaborate meals for one another. Cooking was our hobby, both as a couple and as individuals. But most importantly it was the thing we did together as a new family at the end of the day after being away in our own individual worlds.
Then one child happened and meals got a bit more stressful. When another child came on the scene mealtime fell into shambles. At this point I simply checked out. I don’t know exactly what happened, but in my memory I walked out the kitchen and never went back. (An excellent dramatic scene but unlikely reality.) Tyler learned to make my favorites, a vegetable-heavy lasagna for instance, in addition to his seafood specialties and his spicy spaghetti.
It’s been four years now and I haven’t cooked for our family more than a handful of times. When I do I often forget major ingredients or a key step in the process. I’m distracted by children, my to-do lists, by a foggy, anxious brain. It is only a chore to be done quickly.
In some ways this is great. I no longer concern myself anything in the kitchen. I play a role in meal planning and grocery shopping but other than cleaning the fridge out periodically, it’s not my domain. Washing dishes- not my job. Food prep- not my job. Making dinner- not my job.
On the other hand I lost a passion and a hobby but also I lost much of the joy in the act eating. Constantly overwhelmed, I have lived on snacks instead of meals and often found myself repulsed by the food I was offered. When Tyler isn’t available to cook, I am more likely to skip my meal.
I have waited impatiently to love cooking again. To want to eat a salad. Life; however, seems to insist that nothing changes without action, without intention.
After avoiding the kitchen for so long I’m starting off the year strong with cooking a sweet potato curry and a white chicken chili (so far I have only forgotten the chicken…). By keeping a big kale salad in the fridge I have something healthy on standby that I add to every meal and I mostly don’t hate it. Food is key to every day’s rhythm and I’m hoping to find it. Little steps y’all.
In the meantime I’m…
Watching: I’m getting ready to start the new season of Vikings Valhalla and the 1619 Project. My TV picks are typically not lighthearted!
Listening: A certain four year old has been watching Back to the Outback every day and we listen to the soundtrack in between viewings. Beautiful Ugly is my preferred song, but when Haines sings along with Maddie’s Lullaby (sung by Thelma Plum, an aboriginal artist) it brings me to tears.
Learning: This weekend I ran my first trail run as part of a relay team. It was five miles with a few peeks of intracoastal waterway for the Southern Ultra. I ran with a teammate, a woman I’d never met before. We discussed how it wasn’t until adulthood that we started to learn what our bodies were capable of, to truly know our physical selves. This evening I am sore and proud for a few years ago, I thought a 5 mile run was completely unattainable. I am learning there is much more to me than I have seen.
Parenting: These post-holiday weeks are tough. The kids don’t approve of a 5 day school week and I’m personally not a fan of a 5 day work week either. We’re struggling to get back into a routine that somehow doesn’t involve a lot of yelling but does involve getting out the door on time. Since we have 3 teacher work days/holidays this month I don’t think we’ll be getting back into the routine gracefully.