A few years ago I was at a bias workshop and the facilitators asked everyone to turn to the person beside them and describe a piece of their identity and how that shaped their experiences. I described growing up in an secular household in a religious town and how this led to feeling isolated. This isn’t entirely accurate though. I can point to not having a church as a child as one way I lacked community growing up but in reality in my youngest days, we had other forms of community. My dad had best friends that lived in other states and the families all visited each other. My mom’s best friends from aerobics class often organized get togethers. Our neighbors were friendly and we were regulars at their houses, although eventually all moved from our street. My parents were active in my school and knew my teachers. There were people and paths that tied us to our town and to each other.
And yet what has always permeated my memory of childhood and one I continue to wrestle with is a feeling of being alone and not having a network of people whose lives are tangled up in mine and vice versa. There are pockets of time that I knew my world was deeply interwoven with others, my months studying abroad or the years I lived in Austin. I came to Austin mostly because traveling alone as a backpacker had left me feeling deeply alone - I wanted to put down roots.
The desire to know a community deeply, to have good friends and to be in a familiar place was overwhelming after a year of traveling. Luckily I made my way to Austin at a perfect moment. Things were expensive but you could still find a place if you didn’t mind a roommate or 5. In my mid-twenties, I was open to everything - Craigslist roommates, biking everywhere, country music, learning to two-step, live music every night - as long as it came with friends. And it did. After 4 months after I moved to Austin I had found a great roommate situation, a full time job, folks I was hanging out with regularly and a boy I would marry (despite repeated denial on this front). Everything felt possible partly because I always had someone and somewhere to come home to.
Ten years later we live in a different town in a different state 1,000 miles away. At 24 putting down roots had been intimidating but very straightforward and easy. When we did it again, as a couple, it proved a much more difficult task. It was cumbersome and came in tiny fits and bursts. I realized you could live somewhere for years without ever becoming a part of your neighborhood or town. There are days I feel part of a web in my town, one tiny piece of the whole, but deeply interwoven whereas other days I am merely hanging onto a strand waving in the wind.
This moment of reflection is likely one many people, perhaps parents in particular, all go through at a point in life. Listening to a recent podcast from Death, Sex and Money, Ezra Klein shared his musings on community and it brought to light the shared challenges so many face, all trying to find their way as part of a bigger picture.
I don’t know if there will be a moment where I will look around and say triumphantly, this is it! But every day I work to earn my place in the web and look for others that will tie themselves to me. It is the big things and the little things. It is the women I work out with. It is the non-profit I volunteer on the board for. It is the friends I go running with. It is introducing myself to other parents at children’s birthday parties, an introvert’s nightmare. It is supper club and book club (and not joining any more clubs). It is the increasingly rare Facetime with friends across the globe that is too infrequent but deeply needed. It is hand-written letters sent to the same friend for 26 years and counting. It is hesitantly volunteering for my child’s elementary school. It is recognizing and loving where the threads are tightly knit and considering what possibilities lie at the loose ends.
In the meantime I’m…
Listening: Right now I’m listening to Eye Know by De La Soul since it was reintroduced to me via the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles soundtrack.
Watching: We’ve introduced the original Star Wars movies to the kids at the 4 year old’s repeated request. He has loved each one but you have to be prepared for questions every 3 minutes. The 6 year old was not a huge fan but has enthusiastically started playing/pretending Star Wars on the regular. The grown-ups are watching The Pacific which is well done but also heart breaking and horrendous to watch. Not recommended when parts of the world are erupting into war as it will only compound the heartbreak.
Parenting: Parenting is always a mix of guilt (I yelled again), frustration (listen to me the first time!) and my heart exploding with love. Recently the 4 (almost 5) year old hasn’t been sleeping well so my patience has been dwindling, but hopefully we will both improve together. In the meantime it’s all Legos, Star Wars, sounding out words, apologies and good night hugs and kisses.
You forgot about Goals Club! Despite this, I am very happy and grateful to be part of your community. :)