Avoiding 101
It's not quitting if you never start
I started to write today about my struggles with quitting, with sticking hard things out but I realized I’m not much of a quitter. I have many things I’ve done for long periods. I have multiple friendships that span decades including 1 from Kindergarten and another that resulted in 26 years (and counting) of being pen pals. This week I’ll hit 9 years at my job and later this year will be my 10th wedding anniversary. I stopped drinking alcohol over 3 years ago. I’ve been blogging/posting since 2009. Long-term habits and relationships have to allow for some ebbs and flows, some rough patches and highs but that should be expected. (They’re normally not expected which might speak to a larger cultural problem, but I digress.) It’s the working through it that makes them rewarding and fulfilling. It’s the consistency that brings their intrinsic value.
The challenge I more frequently face is of not starting. Of avoiding things altogether. I’m not a quitter. Most of the time, I never even begin.
For years I’ve wanted to improve my swimming. This is the third year it’s been on my list of goals but I’m entirely intimidated by it. Everyone knows the first step is the hardest and I learned this lesson already when I got into cycling and again as I am in the early stages (hopefully) of my running journey. Yet going to the pool for the explicit purpose of swimming laps continues to sit out of reach.
It sits alongside the hard conversation I am avoiding having with someone important and the writing project I’m afraid to start. It was sitting alongside my unexpressed desire to cut back my work hours but after four years of thinking about it, I finally made that leap last year.
It sits with hikes and adventures I tell myself I don’t have time for. Even short ones. It sits with questions I don’t ask because I’m not sure I’m ready for the answers. But how can I accept the things I cannot change and have courage to change the things I can if I don’t dip my toe in the water? (Literally and figuratively.)
It doesn’t happen all at once of course. Right now I’m continuing to train for a half-marathon I previously thought I could never do. It’s in 4 weeks and I’ve worked up to running 8.5 miles so far. It’s no longer a question of whether or not I’ll be able to finish or how much I’ll cry through it. Now it’s how fast (and how sore) will I be.
This week I’ll run a little farther. I’ll email to set up that hard conversation. Maybe next week I’ll find a day to set aside for a hike. One foot in front of the other.
And eventually I’ll make it a pool.
In the meantime I’m…
Reading: So many books!!! This month I have finished Ruby by Cynthia Bond (very good, very hard to read, some Toni Morrison vibes), A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah Maas (fun, fast, fantasy), Miles From Nowhere by Barbara Savage (highly recommend!), White Cat, Black Dog by Kelly Link (recommended for the short story, fairy tale fan), American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins (very interesting read but not without controversy) and Above Ground by Clint Smith (a mix of deep, insightful poems as well as hilarious, cute parenting fun). And the month’s not even over.
Listening: I’m in such a music/podcast rut but I am at least excited that Death, Sex and Money has been picked up by Slate! It’s one of my favorite podcasts and I’m very excited it’s not gone!
Parenting: This past weekend we had a parenting break when my mom took the kids for a night. I was able to run in a trail race relay (where I got lost and ran an extra mile), have a fancy dinner date with my husband and an incredibly quiet morning with a crossword puzzle, meal prep and CBS Sunday Morning. After I picked up the kids and we returned home for our normal routines, I struggled to switch gears back into Mom mode. I tend to have an unrealistic expectation that these parenting reprieves will save me but it is the small choices I make in the every day moments that make my life and my mind manageable. Here’s to ensuring Mom also gets a snack and calmly reminds everyone not to speak at the same time to her.
