A wrinkle in time
If you only knew how much I loved you
Last week I got to visit my brand-new niece, Miss Flora, who is soon to be 8 weeks old. To be young enough to count your age in weeks - can you fathom? (In case you’re wondering I am 2,047 weeks old. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.)
Spending my days with my niece and nephew felt like a portal to a previous life. Being the parent of the little ones is a strange, alternative universe. The world outside feels so hurried, and you feel so exhausted but you’re not really doing all that much. It’s a lot of sitting. Or pacing. Rocking back and forth for sure. It’s a lot of feeding - both the nursing and the constant snacks of the toddler era. Trying to anticipate mood swings, both yours and theirs. How can so little and so much fit into a single day?
There is a restlessness that often lived in me during these days. I would torn between pursuing things that satisfied the energy I needed to spend or create but also feeling stuck from the fatigue and also literally stuck to the children. One strapped to my chest and the other holding my hand.
But it is only temporary. This moment in time. And I miss their heads on my shoulder as much as I’m grateful for the space their growing selves provides me. Several times during my visit, I walked outside with the little miss and let the outside air soothe her tiny sorrows. Pacing the driveway or the street, watching the sunset we did that little rocking walk that parents of newborns know. It brought me right back to when I would pace with my babies and I would think, “If you only knew how much I love you, you would never feel sad again.”
Now with a little distance and less desperation (more sleep helps), I know this love doesn’t keep them from sadness but helps them get up again. And that is the love I send to the world. If you only knew how much I love you, you might still feel sad, but you would always know that someone is thinking of you. Someone is wishing you well. Even if we haven’t spoken in years, that love is still there.
Reading: Don’t skip past this beautiful reflection twenty years after Hurricane Katrina from Clint Smith.
Watching: This week Tyler and I are watching Jaws since it’s the 50th anniversary of the release. I was always too scared to watch it as a kid. It’s wild to think how much this one movie has impacted people’s views of sharks and the ocean. Also, it’s PG!?
Parenting: Summer has passed us quickly and school is right around the corner. As much as I will enjoy the return of a steady routine and hopefully less humidity, I will miss this summer. After camp beach days, movie nights, and just generally less pressure on everything. (How many popsicles is too many popsicles, let’s find out!) This is the first summer that I could see the stress of being too busy coming, recognized it when it got here and rode the wave a bit. There were a few tears and frustrations expressed (Who, me??) but this is certainly one of the silver linings unemployment has provided.
